Till Debt Do Us Part?
How Money Issues Can
Make or Break a Relationship
Brian and Lynn never talked about money. When unanticipated expenses -- such as a medical emergency or necessary home repair -- cropped up, they relied on credit cards to pay.
Eventually, they maxed out all their cards and were $109,000 in debt. Their marriage hit rock bottom, as communication became limited to disagreements about money. They knew they needed a plan to save their family.
Marriage and Debt in America
For a significant portion of Americans, debt is a source of strife that portends calamity for the health of their marriage. Consider the following statistics:
- A study from Utah State University revealed that couples who fight frequently about money are 30% more likely to divorce than those who rarely argue.
- In a recent OnePoll survey, 54% of respondents stated that a spouse's debt is a justifiable reason to consider divorce.
- A 2019 Harris Poll found that 35% of respondents blame finances for the stress in their relationships.
- A 2022 survey by Orion Advisor indicated that 42% of U.S. couples have arguments about money; for 27% of respondents, these disagreements occur weekly or monthly.
Did You Know?
Iowa statute dictates that both parents are responsible for their children’s medical debts, regardless of marital status.
- A 2022 survey by Orion Advisor indicated that 42% of U.S. couples have arguments about money; for 27% of respondents, these disagreements occur weekly or monthly.
The Four Loves
Psychologists generally recognize four different types of love: familial ("storge"), brotherly ("philia"), romantic (eros), and selfless (agape).
Storge is the love one feels for family members, such as a parent for a child. It is unbidden affection and is considered the most natural of all the loves.
Philia is the accepting love between close friends. It positively impacts health and can make us more resilient during hard times.
Eros is sexual or passionate love. This type of love is more about the person feeling it and less about the person who is the focus of it. It can result in great joy and great sorrow.
Agape love is the unconditional love of humankind. It's based on acceptance and understanding and is expressed through acts of kindness, service, and compassion. Creditors who treat consumers with empathy and benevolence demonstrate agape love.
Source: University of Utah Health
But carrying a boatload of debt does not have to be a death sentence for a relationship. As with most interpersonal relations, communication is the key to resolving money issues in a marriage. Once both partners are on the same page, with clearly defined expectations regarding budget, responsibilities and goals, they can begin to overcome their financial hurdles.
Money Talks
Discussing finances with a spouse is not easy. Money is often an emotionally charged topic, underscoring cultural or family differences and past problems. Here are some tips to get started:
Share your story.
("When I was growing up, money was . . .")
How was money handled in the household where your spouse was raised? Their experience was likely very different than yours, so you're likely approaching the issue from differing perspectives. Discovering a spouse's money history can help each partner understand the other's foundational beliefs.
Share your fears. ("My biggest financial fear is . . .")
Fear is a bad financial advisor. While some fears can motivate us to take positive action (such as setting aside funds for unexpected medical care), living in fear of financial ruin makes us feel like there's never enough. Identifying each spouse's financial fears helps to reveal their motivations.
Share your goals and dreams. ("Someday I want us to . . .")
Sharing goals and dreams can be inspirational. While your short-term goal may be to resolve your debt, what about long-term goals? Tap into your dreams if you want to start making real financial progress.
Be kind. Money mistakes happen. But as long as each spouse treats the other with kindness, forgiving each other and themselves, they can learn from past errors while strengthening their marriage.
Create a Sustainable Budget
The next step is to create a budget together that's sustainable for the entire household. The following video offers a quick tutorial:
Bonding Over Debt
While debt may never be considered a blessing, it can serve as a tool for helping couples learn how to work as a team.
According to Joy Lere, a clinical psychologist and behavioral finance counselor, debt can be "a powerful catalyst for change and growth." In Lere's experience, couples who work together to identify their shared financial challenge -- and then strategize collaboratively to overcome it -- typically can deepen their bond and strengthen the relationship.
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The Rest of the Story
Whatever happened to Brian and Lynn, the couple that was $109,000 in debt? Using a plan they formulated together, they worked out a monthly budget for the first time in their married lives. They changed their lifestyle, drastically reducing unnecessary expenses, and devised novel ways to save and stretch their dollars.
By paying $2,000 a month, they resolved the entire balance in slightly more than four years. Brian chronicled the family's journey on his personal finance blog, Debt Discipline. He and Lynn will soon celebrate their silver wedding anniversary.
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